Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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