I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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