i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
