just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
