At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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