Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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