You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Couch. On fire.
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