you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
