ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
