remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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