i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
