Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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