My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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