she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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