I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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