At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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