i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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