Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize