I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
