You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
