i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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