Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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