Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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