I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
