He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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