One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
3pm strippers are depressing
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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