i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
