I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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