You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he told me I talked like a deaf person
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
