you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
The Olympian is in my bed
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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