how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
