The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
