I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
