yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
