I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
