just tell him i said nine months
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Watching her eat just hurts me
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
