booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
