Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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