go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
