I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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