You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize