just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
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Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
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