you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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