Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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