And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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