what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
