Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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