There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
