I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
