Fine. I'll sleep in my office
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
