I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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