Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
