I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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