he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize