i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
