Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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