Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize