I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
